


A mask of my own face

by Little_bratty_baby



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: 2nd Person, Bathing/Washing, Depersonalization, Drabble, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, How Do I Tag, I put non-binary character because the gender isn’t specified sooo, Mirrors, Nonbinary Character, Reader-Insert, i don’t know what I should tag lol, i guess, not really but i feel it's close enough that i should tag it, oh wait i finished it i think i just wrote the most not-cis ending i've ever written, okay well yeah non-binary chracter lol, possibly drabble collection, well the first chapter is written in second person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_bratty_baby/pseuds/Little_bratty_baby
Summary: !!READ TAGS!!"yes, objectively, you're looking at yourself in a mirror,that's you in the glass,that's what a mirror is.but it's not you."you're having trouble recognizing yourself mid-way through a new haircut
Kudos: 2





	A mask of my own face

**Author's Note:**

> haha I hate the way I write but love the way I read so I'll add a link to me reading this out as soon as I can record it lol

You walk into the bathroom and begin running the bath, you need to wash your hair.

it's greasy, you only washed it three days ago, it shouldn’t already be greasy,

but it is.

So it needs to be washed.

not to mention you’re going to have your hair cut today, Mum already started but she wants it washed, so... bath.

you can't shower.

your mind doesn't let you - because it's a bitch.

or at least, that's the best answer you'll probably ever get to that question.

so, anyways, bath.

hot water first? Hot water first. You’ll add the cold water later after the hot has run for a bit, so it’s a perfect temperature, or should be a perfect temperature at least.

While the bath is running you go over to the mirror,

you want to see yourself with the new hair

you wonder over and...

that's not you.

I mean, objectively, yes. yes _of course_ that's you.

same dreary old eyes, pokey baby nose, always ever so slightly pouting lips,

same deep-set eyebags, barely existent chin, red and patchy peeling forehead,

yes, objectively, you're looking at yourself in a mirror,

that's you in the glass,

that's what a mirror is.

but it's not _you._

you know it's _you_ because you've seen this same face a million times before.

you've always liked to stare at your own reflection,

even if you didn't like what you saw in there,

even if you hated that reflection with a burning passion,

it was just so mystifying.

so yes when you look in the mirror and see the face of you, you recognize it as yourself,

but it's not _you._

as much as you tell yourself that it's you, yes. that. is. you.

it doesn't feel like you,

somethings off, you can't place your finger on it though,

it's just.. _not_ you.

you're looking into a reflection that _isn't yours_ \- though it is _of course_ it is

_but it **isn't.**_

it isn't right, you're looking at yourself.

yes, you are,

but you're also looking at a stranger.

your eyes say

"yes, we are looking at ourselves in a mirror again"

but your mind is ringing warning sirens.

it's such a disorienting feeling yet like always,

you're stuck.

you simply cannot look away.

cannot look away from the face that is _yours_ that _isn't_ yours that simply _isn't right_ but cannot possibly be _wrong,_

_all of this from a haircut?_

you snap out of it from your mum calling you from downstairs and the realization that you've been up here around an hour just staring at your own reflection

or not your own reflection

or your face - that doesn't feel like your face

at the mirror.

then with growing horror, you turn and jump to turn off the taps.

thankfully the water hadn't spilled over quite yet but you do need to take out some of the hot,

won't that be fun.

\---

\---

the next day after mum finishes cutting your hair

you look at yourself again properly for the first time since it wasn't you

and you're back.

you see _yourself_ again

you as more yourself than you've ever felt before

and you begin to tear up with joy.

in the end your glad she finished the job

because the new hair feels right.

but you still have this strange nagging deep down

to see that not-you once more.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! hope you enjoyed the read! feedback is greatly appreciated as I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing! :D
> 
> title from lemon demons "mask of my own face" because this was originally gonna be a drabble collection of different events in this kids life, also because this is based on a real experience and I distinctly remember saying to myself "yeah I'm hot, I'm hot as shit. I'm like.. one of the nicest looking people I know, I'm just not me. I just- I look at myself in the mirror and I see a hot person but I don't see myself" and I was going to call this chapter "look into my eye holes (what do I see?) a handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me" but in the end, I thought I'd leave out the talking to myself/yourself and weird kind-of self-confidence of a sort lol? also, the crippling hatred of your body that just naturally comes with bathing but x10 because that isn't your face and it isn't your body and o h f u c k hhhhhhhhhhhh because idk I just wasn't in the mood to write that shit ig
> 
> y'know?


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